By David Oliver and Josh Axelrod
DAVID: The true death is near and I’m sadder than I thought I’d be.
JOSH: Euthanasia has never sounded so humane.
DAVID: I’m pretty thrilled about how this love square is playing out, all things considered. Jason’s voiceover was pretty cheesy when Jessica and Hoyt were getting it on, but it was a well-earned payoff for the audience invested in the relationship. The writing really made sense to me as I talked about last week: Hoyt was never meant for the small town-settle down and have kids life like Jason was, and the women they’re going to end up with will reflect that. I’m so happy the show is ending with Hoyt back in the fold, it feels so organic. Also, Jason with the frozen peas on his penis was arguably one of the funniest parts of the episode. And Bridgette wins: “there’s nothing inside of you that’s missing.” Can these two just boink and get it over with already? Side note, no one at the airport would actually let you flirt your way onto a plane. I call bullsh*t.
JOSH: To be fair, if anyone could flirt his way onto a plane, it would be Jason Stackhouse. I mean, he somehow charmed a complete stranger who was dating his ex-best friend and had known him for all of two days into believing in him. You know weirdly enough, this seems right. I was shipping Jason and Jessica hard, but these couplings make way more sense. And by sense, I mean in terms of twisted “True Blood” logic, I buy Hoyt ending up with Jessica and Jason ending up with Random Hot Blonde. But I have to give Random Hot Blonde her credit: she didn’t sleep with him. I’m going to take a wild guess and say no woman who has ever shared a bed with Jason has been able to resist his inherent Jason-ness. So kudos to the writers for having two characters generate some chemistry without sex involved.
DAVID: Bill, you’re an idiot. You’re a vampire, just be happy you get to live because people care about you. You are literally breaking hearts. Releasing Jessica? I can’t. I very much enjoyed Bill and Eric’s heart-to-heart this episode – seeing that friendship evolve and their discussion on saving Sookie from their hurt was very gripping. Also, describing Sookie as “a moth to a flame” was the perfect simile and fully appreciated.
JOSH: I understand why Bill might be ready for the true death. He’s lived a long time and has seen a lot of twisted stuff that would make most humans yearn for death. BUT THERE’S A CURE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. It’s not like it costs him anything. His logic about trying to set Sookie free by permanently leaving her life has good intentions, but man is it flawed in like a billion different ways. I don’t blame Jessica for wanting to be released. If my maker was ready to throw it all away for no apparent reason, I wouldn’t want to be a part of his life anymore either.
DAVID: “Death is scary. I’ve been avoiding it for a thousand years.” Eric Northman, you wily son of a bitch. After dealing with all the Sookie/Bill drama, he confides in Ginger. “I’ve spent my entire night flying around dealing with other people’s relationship problems. Now does that sound like me to you?” I laughed out loud. THEN, he gives Ginger her dream: “I would like to make it up to you by f*cking you.” She proceeds to straddle him on his throne, where literally after a few thrusts she passes out after apparent orgasm. Like, nothing happened. And it was hilarious. And way more satisfying than what I originally thought the “most anticipated sex scene” would be.
JOSH: Did Eric even unbutton his pants? I’m not convinced they actually had sex. But that was the most entertaining sex scene this show has done since Bill twisted Lorena’s head all the way around in Season 3. I’m way happier for Ginger than I am for any other real couple on this show. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Eric and Sookie have amazing chemistry, which is incredible considering Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are married with children. God knows who’s going to survive the series finale, but I’m rooting hard for Sookie to end up with Eric. Bill doesn’t deserve her anymore.
DAVID: Going to miss these zingers: “As much as I appreciate a compelling character drama” (super meta because that’s what “True Blood has become this season) and “You cry on my jacket, you’re paying for it sweetheart” (perfect intro segue). Why was she dyeing Sarah’s hair though? I mean, it was funny, I just didn’t know why. Also, so help me if they kill off Pam…
JOSH: Is it just me, or has Pam spent all season getting captured and used to give Eric ultimatums that involve her death? Besides being a quip machine and giving Eric purpose again when he still had Hep V, that’s really all she’s done. I’ll miss her if she dies, but damn girl, stop being so useless!
DAVID: They should’ve killed off Sam with Luna a few seasons back, his irrelevance to the plot is astounding. Also would you call Chicago a “stone’s throw” from Bon Temps, really?
JOSH: Eh…you could flirt your way onto a plane from Bon Temps to Chicago. This is by far the most rational decision any character on this show has made in like, five seasons. I don’t blame him at all for wanting to leave the craziness of Bon Temps behind to keep his family safe. I still don’t buy his “love” for Nicole, but I buy that he would want to raise his family literally anywhere else on the planet. Good for you Sam Merlotte.
DAVID: They should really be calling her “Sulk-ie,” because that’s pretty much all she’s been doing all season. Arlene asking her for dating advice made me cringe, and Sook agreed with me: “You don’t want my advice.” I thought Sookie and Eric would rekindle something after she invited him in after the cheesiest line ever, “thanks for the lift,” (vomit) but he said goodnight. What character development, for real. Will Bill get to her house in time before the Yakuza gets her?! I don’t know what’s going to happen next week, but here’s hoping it’s *somewhat* satisfying.
JOSH: Okay, my guess for the finale: Eric sacrifices himself to save Sookie’s life. That way the show will have removed Sam, Eric, Warlow, and Alcide (aka Sookie’s harem of men) from the picture, leaving only her and her one true love, Bill. And Bill, realizing that Sookie will never not need him, cures himself and the two of them live happily ever after. Oh and Arlene has sex with Keith, knowing that his Hep V can be cured. And Jason and Random Hot Blonde will probably bone. There, I just wrote your finale “True Blood.” You’re welcome.