By Josh Axelrod and David Oliver
We at Binge Central have been through a lot of series finales in our day. We know what a satisfying finale looks like, and how it feels to be completely let down as a show ends its run. The steaming pile of crap that “True Blood” gave us as its final farewell is quite possibly the worst series finale we’ve ever seen (honestly, worse than HIMYM). Never has a show gone out of its way to alienate its audience in just about every regard right as it was ending. Let’s dive in to this suckfest (This may not be the last suck joke).
JOSH: NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. In a different universe, there’s a version of “True Blood” where Bill doesn’t kill himself and he and Sookie end up happily ever after. If not happily ever after, at least to the point where there’s no one trying to kill them anymore.
But no. We get the version of “True Blood” where Bill thinks it’s a good idea to kill himself to save Sookie from herself or whatever. And the worst part of it all? SOOKIE HELPS HIM. She may have not been willing to give up her light to do it (which is the least interesting conflict in the history of conflicts), but she was willing to straddle Bill while helping him stake himself.
So just to recap, Sookie started this season with Alcide, went back to Bill like two days after he was killed and then somehow bought into Bill’s skewed logic enough to believe that helping him commit the world’s least necessary suicide was a good idea. And flash forward, Sookie is pregnant and with some guy WHOSE FACE WE NEVER SEE. After seven seasons of watching her be a slut, she marries and gets knocked up by SOME RANDOM DUDE. I hate this show.
DAVID: Agreeing to all of this. Sookie is literally the worst. Ever. But honestly, so are the writers. I get that the point is for Sookie to finally be “happy,” but did that really mean killing Bill was the best way to go? Honestly it would have been better for the story (and more akin to the show’s normal violence) if Bill took the antidote but later got staked by a bigot. It would have been much more of a hero’s story, with all the emotional resonance and undertones of the show without sacrificing the show’s “true” nature.
JOSH: Three seasons ago, I would have been overjoyed at the process of a Jessica/Hoyt wedding. But a shotgun wedding after two days of knowing each other? Basically Bill was like, “I never got to walk my daughter down the aisle. And now I’m dying. *Passive aggression* *Passive aggression* You two should get married *Passive aggression* *Passive aggression*.”
I guess the ceremony was cute. But this is the best they could do for a series finale? Spend a half hour on a wedding that makes no sense logistically or emotionally? I don’t know man, it just didn’t resonate with me. Maybe I’m soulless, but this show has just sucked all the joy from me (heh, more sucking puns).
DAVID: Nah, I dug the wedding. It was just campy enough for “True Blood.” I wish this was the happiest part of the episode, because the “happy ending” at the end was too ridiculous.
JOSH: The first few minutes with Eric and Pam made me believe we were in for an action packed finale. Umm…nope. But these two remained MVPs until the true death. Pam kept quipping and making Sarah feel like crap (as she should), and Eric killed off the Yakuza while becoming a multi-billionaire and harvesting Sarah’s blood for his own gain.
But once Bill died, did Eric really never try with Sookie? I stick with the fact they had better chemistry than Sookie and Bill. What a wasted opportunity.
DAVID: Definitely a wasted opportunity. I’m happy that Pam and Eric are back where they started. It felt very full circle and appropriate considering all they’ve been through. If Eric and Sookie did get together, where would that leave Pam? Especially since Tara’s dead…
JOSH: Her fate was probably the most appropriate. Being used as a high-priced sex slave by Pam and Eric? She deserved nothing more and nothing less. Watching her go crazy this season has been a joy, and it appears her transformation is complete. Have fun talking to an imaginary version of your gay vampire ex-husband for the rest of your life, Sarah.
DAVID: OK as much as she deserved her fate I did feel a little bad, only because Anna Camp is that good at toying with our emotions. I was also hoping for a brief reunion with her and Jason because they’re just too funny together.
JOSH: LOLZ, Jason is a father. Good luck to those kids. They’re going to grow up to be carefree morons.
DAVID: Here’s hoping they get the genes from their mama. Well, they can get looks and kindness from both, but brains? Mom.
JOSH: Were there other characters on this show? Because it sure didn’t feel like it given the amount of screen time everyone got this finale. No lines for Lafayette? Screw you “True Blood.” You suck (now I’m done).
DAVID: This was awful. This could’ve redeemed itself if a #BigBad showed up at the end, or maybe Russell Edgington somehow appeared, or…honestly, any kind of sex or violence. No one can suddenly be happy – too much has happened! The whole point of the show was facing bad guys. How can that just stop? Exactly. It can’t. Thanks for the memories, “True Blood,” (even if they weren’t so great).