BY SAMANTHA SCHARMETT
This week’s episode picks up precisely where we left off—a gathering in the unofficial center of household: the kitchen. Yet while last week’s closer was at the end of a night filled with unsuccessful attempts at snagging a partner for the late-night mattress dance, Tuesday’s opener begins with Schmidt’s latest conquest, a woman he met on a Tinder-like dating app called Dice. After digesting the fact that Schmidt’s successful string of lady-loves (or lusts) is a result of a few “dicey” swipes, Jess enlists Schmidt as her Dice instructor. The resulting process is a full day’s worth of incredibly cringe-worthy dates, scripted escape mechanisms and Jess’s rather somber realization that these dates are not going to bring her what she TRULY wants— love.
Meanwhile, Nick, Coach and Cece enlist the help of a little brownie mix and ganja to pass the time before roomie #5 becomes a cop, meaning the gang must put their toke-up tendencies to rest. Winston, on the other hand, is grappling with the fact that he’s not quite managed to penetrate the Police Academy in-crowd, and he therefore invites himself to their party in an attempt to make friends. In classic Winston form, he informs his three pals that they will be attending said shindig as well, all while completely oblivious to the fact that they’re baked as cake. In short, a series of events takes place upon arrival that causes the dream team to bug out and hide in a bedroom closet. In turn, their wacky behavior (somehow) gives Winston a boost up the Police Academy social ladder.
Let’s take a quick peek through a few of the gang’s Dice profiles…
User Name: ImThePie31
Tagline: “I am darn tootin’ fun… DTF!”
About Me: Recently single (4 months ago) and trying to get back out there and crush some butt with some L.A. sings (singles)! My roommate tells me I’m a bit of a serial empathizer, but what can I say? I’m a carer! I play hockey center wing, so if I leave our date abruptly, that’s probably where I’m headed. Meryl Streep’s biggest fan!! Velcro shoe wearers need not apply.
User Name: SemiticPrince69
Tagline: “Never show weakness.” Write that down.
About Me: Extremely handsome; exfoliates daily; favorite type of music is mainstream hip-hop and alternative (recently very pro-Gotye and anti-Kings of Leon); dating app aficionado and tail-pulling expert; unashamedly highbrow taste in everything from tailor-made suits to salad dressing.
User Name: 420Enthusiast
Tagline: “You can’t just pick up pot and be good at it! Like everything else in life, it takes practice.”
About Me: An eternal pessimist; penchant for repeating phrases over and over (and over and over) again; ask me about my impressions (Al Pacino is in the top three); tendency to go from mellow to volatile at the drop of a hat; pool and pizza lover.
User Name: Toilet911
Tagline: “Flush, flush, what’s the rush!?”
About Me: I live with my best friends, and I like to consider myself the leader of the dog dawg pack; self-proclaimed king of literary allusions; favorite book is Charlotte’s Web (except when the super chill, super cool protagonist dies ☹)
User Name: GiggleKing
Tagline: “You have the right to remain hugged!”
About Me: Recently discovered an inner calm and love for hummingbirds; newly in touch with my inner clairvoyant; skilled beatboxer; proud member of D.A.R.E.; looking to tap some tush; cuffing season doesn’t exist in my world! LOL
User Name: Searching4Meaning
Tagline: “I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing with my life.”
About Me: Amateur dog whisperer; currently a model and bartender but considering going back to school; waiting to see what life has in store for me and would love to find someone to share it with.